FIRE BRICK

When Jesse stopped hanging out with him, Shintaro thought that maybe he wasn’t interesting enough for him anymore. 

He was the same ol' Shintaro with whom Jesse spent his whole childhood and teenage years. He wasn’t that new guy he had just met, who apparently was a catch. It was the novelty that attracted Jesse, perhaps. Shintaro hoped that Jesse would get bored because Jesse always got bored eventually. Jesse was known for taking on new hobbies only to drop them a few weeks later to move on to something else or simply because he forgot about it.

Shintaro was Jesse’s very own hobby once. 

They were seventeen and it was the age where the future was bright and the present allowed everything to be possible. That hobby consisted of kissing each other. It was an innocent experiment at first, because Jesse didn’t want to look foolish and inexperienced to his future lover. So he told Shintaro: “ We should practice together. I trust you. ”

Shintaro didn’t know why Jesse trusted his kisses more than anyone else but it made him incredibly happy.

Maybe those kisses were intoxicating because it made Shintaro develop feelings he never thought he could ever have for Jesse. It troubled him as he wondered how simple kisses would upturn his whole life.

In the beginning, the kisses were innocent. They even laughed at each other the very first time. It was sloppy, awkward and weirdly wet. But as the practices became regular, not just lips would meet. Tongues would entangle too and teasing and curious fingers would start running across uncharted territories.

Shintaro would also notice Jesse’s pale skin flushing under the heated kisses and the noises he would accidentally let out every time Shintaro nibbled on his lower lip. He wondered if Jesse would feel his body grow hotter and his cock swell from the intense makeouts, because Shintaro definitely felt his own body acting by itself.

Jesse never let their hands get to delve deeper in their pants. He made sure to stop before things get out of hand.

And one day, Jesse moved on. With someone else.

No more kisses.  

It felt like a cold shower but Jesse always liked to move forward .

But Jesse was moving way too fast, and always without him.

Shintaro did like to move forward as well, but he never moved on in reality. He was locked in the past when they still kissed like lovers, with the prospect of becoming real.

When Jesse invited his new lover to their usual dinner – which was supposed to be their very own private time – Shintaro lost it. It was a time dedicated to each other ever since they were kids. Just for the two of them and no one else’s where they would always share a meal before a long night of drunk complaining about the harsh stupidity of life.

Shintaro didn’t like that guy. He had something that rubbed Shintaro the wrong way.

And perhaps, just perhaps, Shintaro was jealous of how well Jesse treated his new lover.

Shintaro was his closest, and longest friend. Why didn’t he get the same treatment? Was this lover his new hobby? Shintaro wished that the flame would die out already, it was hard to share his best friend with a stranger.

It was hard to see Jesse stroke his hair with such adoring eyes when he was previously the receiver of those marks of affection, he was the original one Jesse couldn’t foresee his future without. The one with whom he shared his first kiss.

Something ugly birthed inside of Shintaro’s heart.

He wished he could ignore it.

But he couldn’t.

The monster inside his heart was growing silently and Shintaro started to resent Jesse’s lover. Whatever his name was. Yupo something. Kotti something. Shintaro didn’t bother listening.

He didn’t care anymore. The only thing that Shintaro remembered from that night was Jesse’s eyes which sparkled in a way he didn’t think Jesse was capable of.

When Jesse sat down next to Yupo-Kotti-something instead of Shintaro, Shintaro stopped listening, stopped looking at them, avoided staring at them and focused his attention on the menu and the plate of curry rice. It looked delicious but it tasted bland on his tongue. His lips, though, were in fire. From the spice. Not from the words he didn’t dare to throw at them. Still, he was losing his appetite when they were being all lovey-dovey right under his nose.

“I think I should go, I have things to do.” Shintaro finally said after barely touching his food, wishing so badly to walk away from that scene. He didn’t want to see Jesse feeding his lover as if he didn’t have any hands. If Shintaro wasn’t there, it would be the same for them anyway. They barely talked to Shintaro. Jesse didn’t even notice Shintaro’s sulky mood. So, why was he still here? He should be leaving, so he did.

“Shin! You’re already leaving?” Jesse finally noticed him when Shintaro started to put on his coat and stood.

Jesse hurriedly followed him, making his chopsticks clink and fall on the table.

“Yeah, I’ve got stuff to do.” Shintaro lied when he felt Jesse’s hand grab his wrist.

“You never have stuff to do,” Jesse said and it was more a statement than a snide remark.

Shintaro sighed as he shook Jesse’s grasp away before turning around to face him for the first time tonight. “Well, you might be right. I just don’t want to be here with you two, Jesse.”

Jesse’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”

“Are you being stupid? You know that it’s our special time and you brought your latest lover. You never do that, usually.”

“I wanted to introduce you to the one,” Jesse whined innocently, he didn’t see what was the problem. 

He always had been oblivious to Shintaro’s feelings and no matter how much it frustrated Shintaro, he originally thought it was okay since Jesse always came back to him. But today was different, Shintaro knew that something had changed.

Jesse never referred to anyone as the one and it scared the shit out of Shintaro. What was that supposed to mean? Was Shintaro never destined to be the one ?

He repressed a cruel smirk as he repeated Jesse’s words: “The one?”

“Yeah, I think he might be,” Jesse added, shyly. He was head over heels and it made Shintaro want to throw up.

“If he’s the one, then I think we can stop being friends right now,” Shintaro spat. It was jealousy talking.

“Why? You don’t even know him.” Jesse complained with furrowed eyebrows.

“I don’t need to know him to know him.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You never understand. You never understood what I felt, Jess... I wish you could see me. I was right next to you but you went to look for a random guy out there.”

“I’m sorry, Shin. I… never knew. I… I am just sorry.” Jesse stammered as he fully digested the meaning of Shintaro’s words. 

Jesse didn’t know what to say to comfort his best friend when he was being so spiteful against his lover. He knew that dating someone would make him lose a few of his friends but Shintaro was his closest and Jesse didn’t want to have to choose.

“But I swear he’s a great guy.” Jesse still tried to defend his lover as if it made any difference.

“Is this how it’s going to be now?” Shintaro’s tone was bitter. “You and him against the world? Against… me?”

“You know you’ll always be my best friend.”

Jesse’s kind words ended up hurting Shintaro deeper than anyone could have thought.

“It’s not what I want,” Shintaro whispered between his teeth.

People were beginning to overhear their conversation as they lined outside for the restaurant the two of them were eating in. They were still in the food court of the mall. 

It used to be a place where they came often to eat, to play, to shop, to talk… It carried many memories that started to fade over time. 

“Shin…” Jesse breathed his name in a dear but regretful tone that didn’t need another word for Shintaro to understand that Jesse would never be his, and that their friendship would be buried by those unrequited feelings.

The crowd and blinding lights were suddenly giving Shintaro a headache. But nothing was stronger than the heartache he felt at this moment.

Shintaro walked away without another word while the still-flustered Jesse went back into the restaurant.

Back to his lover.

Shintaro didn’t know it’d be the last time he’d see his best friend as such.

He didn’t know he was already losing Jesse. To a monster. Not the green-eyed like the one inside his heart, but to a fire brick red one that loomed over them.

The human Shintaro once fell in love with was gone.